I have a few friends around me who especially understand me, and I am very close to them, but I always feel extreme panic when I am separated, worrying that they will leave me, and I don't even dare to go on QQ and WeChat, and when I chat, I am so nervous that I tremble. What should I do to adjust?
Hi, friend! I'm Yu, a Heart Detective Coach, and I'm here today to talk to you about this topic and hopefully inspire you.
Let's start with fear: fear is an instinctive response, and when you think of "neglect or abandonment" you may feel in danger, which is normal and completely understandable. As you mentioned, you have a few deeply empathetic friends, but you can get extremely panicky when you're separated.
At this point, we can try to become aware of ourselves and ask within: what are we worried about? What are you afraid of? What are you panicking about? What feelings and thoughts do these emotions bring up? What is the scene in the earliest memory? What was it like to be yourself at that time?
We need to realize that we are slowly growing up and have more power over our lives. At the same time, don't forget that the person you were at the time may have been scared, aggravated and needed to be seen.
Let's talk about security: According to Maslow's theory, "security" is the confidence that you are free from fear and anxiety, that you feel safe and free, and that you are able to meet your present and future needs.
If the relationship environment made you feel insecure growing up, such as being constantly ignored, blamed or hated, these experiences can make you feel unreliable and hostile in relationships. These feelings can keep affecting you and even spread to other relationships, making you always worry about not being safe around you.
This is because our feelings about relationships are often influenced by our inner selves and the perceptions of others. For example, it's easy to worry that others won't like you if you don't feel good enough, or to be nervous about others finding out and retaliating when you feel emotions toward them. These repressed emotions can bring on anxiety.
We can ask ourselves: what are the thoughts that come with being with a friend? What emotions do they bring up? What about when we are apart? What's the need inside when you're afraid to go on social apps? What does shaking in conversation reflect?
Also think about: what does the ideal self look like? What about ideal relationships? What are my real needs? What can I do about it?
Become constantly aware of emotions and record how you feel in the moment. Writing only faces you, so writing boldly and honestly helps you understand the source and impact of your emotions, clarify needs, and distinguish between what you want and what others expect. Knowing what to want makes it clearer what to reject, which makes it more authentic. As Winnicott says, healing begins when the true self presents itself. So, recognize and face your true self.
Try to make peace with your emotions: when fears arise, call out "stop", take a deep breath, observe them without judgment, and let your emotions come and go like clouds or float away like falling leaves. You can also write or draw to express your fears and release your emotions.
Try the Empty Chair Method: create a safe atmosphere through role-playing and self-talk, connecting past and present, integrating thoughts and releasing bad feelings.
It is also possible to seek help: since the matter bothers you, getting over it right away may not be easy. Talk to a trusted family member or friend, or consult a professional, because inner shadows need to be seen and taken on before negative thoughts will slowly disappear.
On a daily basis, use positive thinking meditation to regulate your emotions, enrich your heart through reading, and strengthen yourself through exercise. Psychology emphasizes that seeing is healing. Get in touch with real people, enjoy life, build a stable self-evaluation, and you will get better and better.
The book "Fearless Anxiety" is recommended and may be helpful.