Alcoholic dad, strong and bigoted mom, depressed for three years, forgot to be happy

I have been battling depression for three years now. In retrospect, the days of hurting myself with razor blades seem to be long gone, but now it's as if I've forgotten what it's like to be "happy". Like a drowning fish, I struggled and floundered at first, but now I've given up and am quietly sinking into an emotional abyss. I became dependent on cigarettes and obsessed with piercings, seeking a sense of existence from the pain. Oddly enough, my academic performance skyrocketed instead, because it was only when I studied that I was able to escape the sadness for a while. At one point, I curled up in the corner of my room for a week straight, hugging my head and crying until I was dry-heaving and wanted to throw up, feeling surrounded by demons. I thought about killing myself, but knew it wouldn't solve the problem, or that I didn't even have the strength to do it anymore. The problems of my family of origin were like thorns in my heart that I couldn't pull out - my alcoholic father, my strong and bigoted mother, which made me physically and mentally exhausted. My mother was a demon and a prison for me, but also the only home. She always said, "You didn't cry when you were little, but how did you grow up to be like this? Who isn't depressed? Just die." This environment made me more and more apathetic, and I could no longer distinguish what it meant to be truly happy, and perhaps I could no longer feel any other emotion except pain.