I had been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder by the hospital, I felt better for a while before that, but then I hit a low point again because of an online loan. This loan was signed by my ex and I together.
As a result, he disappeared and the debt was all on me, and my family is not financially well off to begin with.
Even though I have a job now, my paycheck doesn't pay off much of my debt at all, and I'm stressed out every day.
Coupled with the constant trivialities of life, I myself am very sensitive and always care about what others think. My family is not rich, and my parents are still helping me to pay back the money, so it is especially hard for me.
I always feel like I can't make any money, and my mind feels like it's covered in a fog and I'm groggy.
Every day was a blur, a feeling of unreality, and a lot of trouble at work.
I don't want to burden my parents anymore, and I don't want to push myself too hard.
It's driving me crazy lately, the whole inability to cope.
More than anything, I don't want to send my parents away in vain. That would be cruel.
But the reality is really so desperate! The stress of debt follows me like a shadow and torments me repeatedly.
I can't afford or have the confidence to go on now, it's all getting scary.
As someone said, I deserve to be incompetent, so why should I borrow so much money? If you borrow it, you have to pay it back - I think that's true too, but it's even more clogged up inside.
Hello, my friend. I'm July Whale, the whale social worker.
After carefully reading what you shared, I understand that you took on online loans beyond your means and suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. Your family is helping you to share the debt and I can see that you are blaming yourself, but this is not all your fault. If your ex also used the loan, try to contact him and get him to take some of the responsibility.
You mentioned "if you borrow, you have to pay it back", which is not entirely true. Banks will assess the repayment ability when taking out a loan, and many people borrow money not because they are incapable, but because they are impulsive spenders. It is true that overspending can temporarily ease your emotions, but in the long run, you have to face it rationally.
If the pressure is too much, it is advisable to have an honest talk with your parents and see what they think. Maybe they don't blame you, and understanding each other can lead to solutions. Don't suppress your emotions, try exercising, singing or talking to a friend to release them.
Good luck (whale social worker)