My marriage has hit a few bumps in the road lately, but nothing of principle that hits the bottom line.
I don't want to leave, but I can't figure out what her attitude is. I've asked her about it, and she says she wants to leave, but in the end I realized that I have to take the initiative to make this clear.
I've tried countless times to get it back before, and I've communicated patiently so many times.
After the fight that day, she brought up separation, which she had actually brought up several times before, but I didn't hold back that time and moved out the next day.
Here's the kicker: early the next morning, she actually stood there sullenly in the shoes I'd given her, looking particularly uncomfortable.
I just can't figure out why, when she says she'll never make up, she acts in such a heartbreaking way. I don't know if I'm expressing myself clearly, can you all understand my confusion?
Another example: it was clear that she was the one who filed for divorce and instructed me not to tell my family, saying that the divorce papers would be sent to me soon.
But she has been dragging her feet, I asked a few times in the middle, but it turned out that she told her family first. Her family thinks I'm in a hurry to leave ...... What's going on here? I'm guessing she doesn't want to leave, but when I went to see her, she still had the same attitude, so I can't believe she wants to make up. Does she really not want to leave, or is she waiting for me to give up? Or does she have something in mind? What should I do to resolve this?
As you can see from your description, your daughter-in-law's behavior is back-and-forth, as if she hasn't made up her mind about the divorce.
The problem between you two is not one of principle, you don't want to leave and she keeps dragging her feet. My guess is that she probably doesn't really want to leave either, that's why her behavior is so torn, like a tug-of-war in her mind, wanting to get closer but also wanting to avoid it.
You guys fought over some small things and she acted hard afterward. I have a feeling that she brought up the separation more as an emotional outburst than a determined attempt to get a divorce. But the fact that you moved out later made her even more devastated, so she gambled on divorce.I'm not sure how you communicate, but from your description, she first mentioned "separation", not "divorce", that she did not want to make too stiff, the heart still has room for both sides may want to calm down, but also look forward to you coaxing her back.
She asked you not to tell the family, perhaps it is not to the point of real divorce, do not want to alarm the family. But after your quarrel you move away, she is aggrieved and lonely, she needs emotional support, so she has to look for family members to talk about, naturally, she has to mention the divorce.
Her family thinks you are in a hurry to leave, which is a misunderstanding probably because she didn't want to leave but had to answer to her family, so she pushed her will to divorce onto you and said you wanted to leave.
Your daughter-in-law's behavior, to put it bluntly, is a bit "acting". However, behind her behavior is a lack of security, and she needs to confirm the relationship and relieve her anxiety through repeated testing. Her heart is in turmoil, and she may not know how to express it, so she has to use contradictory behavior to vent.
Secondly, what should couples look for in a fight?
The fact that you guys are fighting over small things and she's getting a divorce is mostly impulsive behavior in the heat of the moment. You didn't handle the conflict well, but in your hearts you should both want to keep the marriage, not really intend to divorce.
Couples bickering is actually common and a way to communicate. Fighting isn't all bad, it allows everyone to get out what they've been holding back.It may hurt feelings, but by arguing with a problem-solving attitude, it can turn out to be a good thing.
But very often, couples quarrel quarrel forget the original intention, focusing on winning and losing, and finally both lose, say harsh words and do stupid things. This kind of quarrel is the most hurtful.
You have to think about what's at the root of the fight. Do both parties really want to work it out? How do you get to the root of the problem? Gambling about divorce won't solve anything. Divorce is a bad outcome, not a good one.
III. How to resolve the immediate crisis?
The fact that you are confused about her behavior shows that you are still looking forward to getting back and don't want to really leave.
Then don't guess whether she has a heart or wants to leave, ask yourself: what do you want? Do you want to leave or do you want to make peace? Do you want to take the initiative or do you want to listen to her? Do what you need to do, don't just look at what she does.You need to communicate, and when your emotions stabilize, find a quiet place to talk calmly. For example, how to resolve the argument, what responsibility you can take, what you really think, your feelings for her, plans for the future, and her needs, etc..
If she agrees, she can separate for a while to let each other calm down and revisit. After pulling away, you may find the good in each other and appreciate the marriage more.You can start by expressing to her that you want to make up and set up a time to talk it over. Give her space to calm down and respect her rhythm of seeing her again.
It's best to leave the family out of it and just the two of you face the problem on your own.I hope these suggestions help.Good luck.