My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship, and when we talk on the phone every night, he always loses his temper at me for all sorts of little things. Things are a little better when we see each other on the weekends, but it's still not uncommon to have a falling out.
There are all sorts of reasons for anger, sometimes it's a matter of principle, sometimes even just the fact that he thinks the shoes I'm wearing don't look good can get him riled up.
He doesn't think it's a big deal about his love of tantrums, but I'm particularly bothered and heartbroken.
He thinks I'm the one who's overly sensitive and magnifies the little things.
But every time he loses his temper, I feel especially hurt inside.
And he made it clear that he is what he is and can't change it.
So I'm asking, is having a temper a problem or not? Is it possible to change this situation?
Hi friend~ Whether or not having a big temper is a "problem" and whether or not it should be controlled is a question that needs to be pondered over, especially if you're in a long-distance relationship like yours.
First, we have to dig into the root of the temper tantrum. A long-distance relationship is not easy in itself, and there is a lot of pent-up stress and anxiety on both sides.
These negative emotions, which sometimes erupt through tantrums, become a way for him to express his dissatisfaction and frustration.
In addition, some people have gotten used to using temper tantrums to solve problems or vent their emotions. Perhaps they have not been taught healthier and more effective methods of communication since they were young, so they tend to blow up when they encounter conflicts.
Everyone has a different personality and ability to manage their emotions. Some people are naturally quick-tempered and can get angry at the slightest point, while others are relatively calm.
And yeah, past experiences, like some unresolved knots or traumas, may also make people more prone to anger.
Let's say that if he often felt out of control growing up, tantrums may have been a way for him to find a sense of control.
But whatever the reason, frequent tantrums can be real damage to a relationship.
Being in such an environment for a long time can make you feel tired, hurt, disrespected, and even begin to wonder if there's something wrong with you.
The fact that your boyfriend thinks nothing of it and you're in agony shows that something has gone terribly wrong in communication and understanding between you.
If this keeps up, the trust and intimacy will wear away little by little, eventually shaking the foundation of the relationship.
For example, if he lashes out over trivial matters, you will definitely feel disappointed and frustrated that your feelings are being ignored.
All this negativity saved up not only depresses you, but can also make you lose faith in the relationship.
There's no doubt that temper tantrums are a problem that needs to be changed. The emotions themselves are right, but how to manage and express them can be improved by learning.
First, it's important to make your boyfriend realize how much his temper affects you. Find a chance to have a calm conversation with him once, tell him how you feel every time you get hurt, and ask him if he wants to find a solution together.
If he's willing, consider going to couples counseling or psychotherapy together. With professional help, he can learn better emotion management skills and find other ways to express himself.
A psychologist can help him identify the trigger for the outburst and teach him ways to calm down so that he can be more rational when his emotions come up.
At the same time, you have to clearly tell him which behaviors you can't stand and hold your line. If he keeps ignoring your feelings, then you really need to think about whether the relationship is worth continuing.
The bottom line is not to force him to change, but to protect yourself from getting hurt again.
Also, both of you can learn positive ways of communicating, such as nonviolent communication. Starting a sentence with "I" (as in "I think...") instead of pointing fingers makes it easier to resolve an argument peacefully.
Don't forget to take care of your emotional and mental health. It's not good for your well-being or your mindset if you're holding back for a long time. It's important to de-stress by meditating, exercising, reading books, etc. to increase your confidence and independence.
Although he says he can't change, human behavior can be changed with determination and method.
The key is whether he's willing to take that step.
If he's dead set on changing and not willing to work on the relationship, then you need to evaluate if the relationship is meeting your expectations.
After all, a healthy relationship is one of mutual respect, understanding, and support, not always one party putting up with compromises~