My boyfriend and I always quarrel because of some trivial things, and every time will be more and more fierce. I thought about it carefully, and I think it's mainly because both of us are too anxious, and we don't give in to each other when our tempers flare up, and both of us are rather irritable. When we fight, it's like we don't listen to what the other person is saying, and we only focus on arguing the parts that make sense to us. I understand that there is no absolute right and wrong in love, but I am just not willing to feel that I should not back down because I am in the right. When he is angry, he is very fierce, I am a bit afraid of him, every time we quarrel I have to be prepared to break up before I dare to speak. I think he's a bit self-righteous and chauvinistic, while he thinks I always put all the blame on him and don't care about his feelings. I realize that there is something wrong with the way we communicate, but I don't know how to fix it.
Hi there, I understand your worries very well, I'll give you a warm hug first (....ω・...)ノ♡
From your description, you may have entered a "power struggle" in your intimate relationship.
In this stage, couples often have a typical pattern of "focusing on themselves and ignoring the other person," which is characterized by fighting for dominance in the relationship and encroaching on the other person's space for their own benefit.
In this period, the two sides to deal with the conflict often focus on the rights and interests, rather than each other's feelings. To put it bluntly, instead of tolerating each other with love when you fight, you put up spikes like hedgehogs for protection. Your subconscious will feel that giving in is surrendering control, which will make you insecure and feel hurt.
What should be done about these conflicts?
The ideal way to communicate is "love for love". When conflict arises, if your emotions get the best of you, take a few deep breaths to calm down and remember that you are trying to solve a problem together and not treating each other as rivals competing for profit.
"Feelings are more important than reason."
In an intimate relationship, everyone wants to be loved and understood. This is what we often call "being seen" - seeing the other person's emotions, feelings and needs. Respond to the other person's feelings with love, not cold reasoning. When the other person feels understood and loved, and relaxes inside, you can use nonviolent communication methods, such as observing, expressing feelings, voicing needs, and making requests to communicate. We recommend you to read the book "Nonviolent Communication", which is helpful in improving communication skills.
"Beware the Four Horsemen of Doom."
The Four Horsemen of Doom in intimate relationships refer to: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and cold war. If these come up a lot when you fight, it's time to make adjustments, they are the invisible killers of relationships. These behaviors tend to antagonize both parties and hinder communication.
What if the other person still ignores it after using good communication?
Generally speaking, after proper communication, a compromise can be found to solve the problem. If the other person is always "unreasonable", it may mean that he is more selfish. This may be related to his "inner relationship mode", such as "turtledove" people tend to be rational and selfish, they will be for their own interests without regard to the feelings of the other party, or even suppression or demand. If this is the case, it's up to you to accept it.
The above advice is for reference only, I hope it helps and wish you all the best 😊