On the surface, I get along well with my classmates, but every time I try to get closer, I feel particularly overwhelmed. From the time I went to college until now, I always felt that I didn't make any real friends because I never dared to tell anyone what was in my heart.
I also understand that I can't carry everything alone, so I often try to approach people, but I just can't trust them completely, and I can't understand other people's moods and minds, so every time I socialize, I'm exhausted.
As it turned out, I was much more relaxed and at ease when I was left alone.
There wasn't much interaction with my family, and they always told me I was cold and unintelligent. For example, when my grandmother, who brought me up as a child, became seriously ill, I was unusually calm inside and didn't show sadness or anxiety - playing hard to get sad would only make me feel worse.
Even after a long separation from my family, I don't particularly miss them. They inevitably feel chilled, and I kind of beat myself up, but it's just not possible to pretend to be enthusiastic.
At school, my classmates treated me with respect. In their view, I had neither the likes and dislikes of youth nor passionate hobbies, so naturally they preferred to keep their distance from me.
How in the world do you really open your heart?
My friend, after reading what you shared, I can feel your exhaustion and loneliness in socializing. Sometimes I want to talk to someone, but I can't get over the hurdle of trust. I wish I could give you a hug and find a comfortable place to talk together.
You said that since you were a child, you were not used to deep friendships with people, and you couldn't trust anyone. Do you remember your experiences as a child? Did something happen that made you feel that people couldn't be trusted? Or what do you fear will happen if you speak from the heart?
The fact that you're trying to change is great. What have you done before when trying to approach people? Like offering to help? Participating in group activities? What were the results?